Meditating with Future-Brittney

I have three weeks, 20 days exactly, until I board a plane and fly to my next home.  I found myself in a state of anxiety this Sunday afternoon, as I felt ready to take that leap now.  I felt suffocated in knowing I still had three weeks to wait.  I reached out to my friend C and told her of my concerns.  She reminded me that there may be a lesson waiting to be learned so I can move on to my next journey.  She mentioned meditation and how it will help my outer shell disappear from the anxiety and dive into the spiritual realm of peace.

I immediately searched for a “positive vibrations binaural beats” song on YouTube to listen to and I cleaned up the bedroom I’m staying in.  I laid my blue yoga mat flat on the ground and, with my headphones securely in place, lay down on my back.  I pulled my legs to my chest and began rocking back and forth to alleviate the tension that has been accumulating in my lower back.  I closed my eyes and began to sink into the music as my spiritual guides began to come forward.

All I must do is set the intention to meditate and I can almost instantly see my guides beckoning me toward them with smiles, eyes wide in excitement, and arms open to receive me.  I feel their love before even shutting my eyes as I have been able to cultivate a strong connection with them.  As I was laying there, it wasn’t any passed on loved ones that came forward, nor was it any of my archangels, nor was it my higher self.  It was future me.  It was Brittney who is a few months ahead of where I’m at right now.  It was the Brittney who has gone through this purging of heaviness I’m currently going through who can encourage me to keep going because she has gone through it.

That Brittney was standing there smiling at me with so much compassion for where I am at in my journey right now.  She began delivering me clarity on my anxieties.  She knew how badly I desired living in my own space.  She knew how sick I was of looking over my shoulder constantly while listening to music in my headphones, checking to see if somebody came into the home without me hearing them.  She pulled this example out so she could clarify what was really going on in a spiritual matter.

“Brittney, you’re still in a stage of your journey where you keep looking over your shoulder because there hasn’t been much time away from the mass amount of burden (past relationships with family and friends, people-pleasing personalities and behaviors, abusive ways of living) you’ve released.  It’s still new.  You’re still processing what you were carrying and how it impacted your life.  You’re still processing how to let go and allow yourself to move forward.  You’re still processing. It’s okay for you to be in this stage of life.  It’s powerful for you to be there because this is you living in your truth and in your authenticity.”

I began to feel relief as I realized it’s okay that I’m still looking back over my shoulder to make sure I’m still safe.  But then the thought came forward…

“But from what I’ve read like through what Eckhart Tolle has shared, I should be able to choose peace right now and release all of this ‘processing’ since time is an illusion – shouldn’t I?”

My future Self smiled at me.

“If everybody could wake up fully enlightened like Eckhart Tolle has claimed to do, then what would be the point of the life experience?  It’s okay to digest life in a way that empowers you.  Regardless of what people’s ideas are when it comes to releasing trauma and pain, or what their beliefs are when it comes to time and how long it should take somebody to find peace again doesn’t matter.  That is authentic to them.  You’re allowed to experience and explain life in a way that is authentic to you.  Plus, Eckhart Tolle is still human.  Maybe he’s running from his own healing in a way.  Who knows.  Who cares.  We are all human.”

Deep relief suddenly washed over me again.  I could accept that I’m in the stage of my life I am right now where I’m building myself back up.  I’m still paranoid a bit as I look over my shoulder to make sure I’m safe and that’s okay.  Future me has her own home.  To me that symbolizes complete freedom where I do not have to worry about somebody else walking in on me listening to my music and cultivating my vibration in a way that is authentic to myself.  It is coming.

“Look at the steps you have taken.  You went from leaving an abusive home, to living in your car at times.  Then you lived with your cousins for free for weeks as you rebuilt yourself.  Then you were able to climb up the rung of the ladder by living in a home where you were able to afford a low monthly rent in a room with furniture that is not yours but privacy that is.  In a few weeks you will be moving into your own room where you will be paying rent and the room will be yours.  Your furniture will be yours.  The décor on the walls will be yours.  The layout of the room will be yours.  It is the next step.  We know what comes after that step.  I’m already there.”  I sighed, tears streaming down my face.  This wasn’t as much about my own place to live as much as it was about my ultimate freedom being restored after relinquishing the power over my life for two years and losing almost every ounce of myself.  My living space was a spiritual symbolism of my own inner state and growth.

“Remember Brittney from last year?” my future Self asked me.  I immediately saw myself living in the basement of my Grandmother’s house. I was snuggled up in my bed in the dark, sobbing with pain, fear and abandonment sucking at my soul.  I didn’t want to live anymore.  I remembered her.

“What would you say to her from the place you are now at?” Future Brittney asked me.  I fell into sobs again.

“I would hold her in that bed and lay with her, respecting that she had to go through that pain to get to where I am today.  I would reassure her that it really would get better and that the Universe would do everything in its miraculous power to not just keep me alive, but keep me fighting for my justice and my power.”

“Put your hands out to receive,” Future me instructed.  I was laying between the closet door and the foot of the bed so I didn’t have much space.  I flipped my palms so they were facing the sky and found myself with my right arm extended downward, palm up, and my left arm extended over my head, palm up.  That was the only way I could reach my arms out with the space I was given while on that yoga mat.

“Perfect,” Future Brittney said, as the realization of why I had one arm extended upward and one downward.  The arm extended downward was holding the hand of the younger-version of myself from the past.  My arm extended upward was holding the hand of Future Brittney who had grown into a higher perspective from the hindsight the present experiences I was facing would bring.

“We are all interconnected.  You are at that place in your timeline right now, and it is safe for you to be there.  It is safe for you to feel like you must keep looking over your shoulder.  You’ve just left behind your entire life as you knew it.  Wanting to look back is natural, it’s part of your recovery process.”

“It would be beautiful to blog about this experience,” I said to Future Brittney.  She nodded in encouragement.

“The beauty of you claiming your authenticity and truth in these moments allows you to receive love for who you are right now.  Not who you think you need to be.  You do not need to be any certain way to be worthy of receiving love.  That’s why it’s so important for you to express yourself in your full truth in a way that is therapeutic to you right now.”

A recent negative comment I received on YouTube popped into my mind.  It was from somebody who told me I’m not the same as I used to be and that I just seem angry these days.  Future Brittney stepped into this thought.

“People who want you to show up in a certain way do so because they want to live vicariously through somebody due to their own lack of motivation to follow their purpose.  It’s the same narcissistic tendencies of control that are being cleared out of your system from your childhood.  Reclaiming your YouTube channel is a powerful way for you to receive love for who you are right now.  If you don’t feel like having to patrol the comments section you can also disable comments to give yourself the safe mindset you deserve as you continue to open up to your truth.  There are other ways people can reach you to share their encouragement and their love with you like through direct messaging you on Instagram or e-mailing you.  Or you can leave the comments on as you will most certainly continue to receive loving comments from the right people.  Remember, as you challenge the fear-mindset that this world has become accustomed to, it’s going to start targeting you even more.  Fear wants you to go along with it and not challenge it.  It tricks you into thinking you will live safely and in peace if you do as it says.  If you act up against Fear then it has to act up to try to control you.  Because the truth is that Fear is an illusion, and when Truth/Light shows up, it overcomes Fear.”   I knew this to be true from how much Fear-Mindset I had to face when I would regularly challenge beauty standards when it came to fat bodies on my YouTube channel in the past.  However, by me doing so it made monumental shifts in the right people’s lives.  I’m doing the same thing by sharing my truths about leaving abusive relationships behind regardless of the obligatory labels, like family, they may hold.

“Give the world the version of yourself that you are at, knowing it’s okay to be there.  You do not need to come across a certain way to be loved.  That is the people-pleasing wanting to gain control of you.  That is not Truth.”

I lay there on the yoga mat instantly feeling better than I have in a week as all this comfort, reassurance and wisdom from Future Brittney flooded my Being.  I am safe to be right where I am now, as it is not forever, and it is a crucial part of my recovery.  I am rebuilding myself to be a bigger, stronger, more authentic version of myself than ever before.  I can feel uncomfortable and I can be misunderstood.  I am here to be Me.  Not somebody else to make others happy.

Thank you Future Brittney and thank you C for pointing me back toward meditation.

 

The Manipulative Side-Effects of Manifestation (& What To Look For)

*GLITTER BOMB OF TRUTH!*

Hello Louisiana!  I am currently sitting inside of a Taco Bell enjoying some lunch and allowing this blog post to flow out.  It’s interesting because I ordered my food through the mobile app anticipating to pick it up through the drive thru and continue my journey toward New Orleans.  Instead of being able to pick up my food through the drive thru, I was instructed to come into the store.  I sat in the parking lot for a moment, realizing that God was guiding me to eat inside so I could sit down and create this post.  So, I grabbed my computer, picked up my food, and found my place at a table to eat inside and create this post.  Here we go…

Let’s talk about manifestation… and how to tell when somebody is trying to manifest you back into their lives (think an ex lover or toxic familial connection) in a manipulative way.  Before you turn away from this post as if it may not resonate or you may not fully understand what this means, I ask you to stay because I guarantee you will be able to relate in ways you were not aware of before.  This is crucial.  It’s going to help your well-being.

Have you ever been getting over somebody (or something) and suddenly feel like you cannot stop thinking about them?  Maybe even thinking about them more than usual… but the energy has suddenly shifted regarding them?  Perhaps you were once certain that contacting them was not in alignment with love or truth and would be you resorting to old people-pleasing tactics to fulfill that addictive need.  Maybe these sudden thoughts and changing habits regarding this people leaves you feeling shocked as you were once so adamant about your position in the situation – in a healthy, balanced mindset.  You may even suddenly begin to feel like perhaps things weren’t as bad, toxic, or imbalanced as they were – or even worse, that your actions were unjust and you need to redeem yourself.  Maybe you suddenly feel like perhaps you should go back to the methods you used in the past that failed you because maybe they are the right actions – you just weren’t trying hard enough…

This sudden change in your way of thinking is your energetic system potentially being manipulated by their attempt to manifest you back into their lives – in a way that serves THEM (manipulation and control).

As I was driving through Texas yesterday along my road trip, I found myself listening to a random tarot reading on YouTube regarding a past love who I had put all my heart and energy into with loving intention.  As the tarot reading went on and on… it went into depth about this person from my past and at the end of the 3 cumulative hours I spent listening to this reading, I knew it wasn’t some random reading.  In fact, I believe nothing is random in life.  I trust that we are guided to hear things for a reason.

This reading was so spot on with meticulous detail of what I went through with this person a couple years ago.  The reading described how this person desperately wanted to contact me but didn’t feel like they could.  It went into detail about the pain that they haven’t been able to tell me about and the inner demons keeping them trapped.  Naturally, this had me thinking about them with more openness of them coming back into my life.  It was even subconsciously planting the seed that perhaps I should reach out to them, despite when I’d reached out to them in the past and was honest with my emotions, I had doors slammed in my face multiple times.

My compassion for their downfalls and inabilities to communicate what they were and are currently going through weighed on my heart as I adventured around Austin, Texas that day.  I felt myself being more tolerant of feeling their energy around me.  When I got back onto the road later that night to head to my Air BnB in Houston, I had 2.5 hours ahead of me on the road.  I was guided to watch a different tarot reading, this one tailored to my zodiac sun sign of Pisces.  In it, the energy that was being picked up was a continuance of the energy of me opening back up to this person from the past in a way where I would reach out to them.  The reading was done by an entirely different person however I knew it was the same energy trying to reach me.  As the reading went on it was saying how much of a good match me and this person were and that it was a good idea for me to reach out to them to make amends.  They weren’t going to budge, so it was up to me.

I believed this for a moment thinking, “Wow, I’m actually going to reach out to this person again? Okay… I do have a lot of love for them… and I now understand their struggles of communicating with me even more… maybe I should.”

And then … IT HIT ME LIKE A TRUCK.  All the pieces of the puzzle that I had been collecting over the past few weeks regarding the ideas of somebody trying to manifest me into their lives came together in a beautiful picture.

To manifest somebody into our lives means to put intention into our energy regarding the desired person of how we want our fate to go with that person in the energy-space we are currently vibrating from.  If we are coming from a vibration of unconditional love, then we will attract and manifest people into our lives capable of upholding that same vibration.  However, if we are vibrating from a space of control, deceit, (negative) pride, or manipulation, we will attempt to manifest that person into our lives through those means.

I recognized that the Universe was testing me through hearing these readings and picking up on this person’s energy of “not being able to reach out to me.”  It hit me that this past lover was wanting me to reach out to them, so they didn’t have to face their own pride and come my way.  This was the easy way out for them.  If I returned to them, it would comfort their soul that the actions that happened between us could be laid to rest.  I realized it was the SAME energy that I grew up with in a narcissistic household.  I was constantly made to feel like I had to put up with people’s behaviors because they “didn’t know better.”  This was extreme negligence of not wanting to take responsibility for one’s actions and therefore manipulating somebody else to disregard their own (my own) self-worth and deal with it.

I started crying while on the road because of the anger that suddenly came forward realizing that this person wasn’t trying to manifest me from a space of unconditional love.  I trust that they didn’t want to come forward out of their own cowardly behaviors and were trying to get me to come to them by using deceitful pity that they were not capable.  It was a test to see if I was still susceptible to the narcissistic people-pleasing and self-depleting behaviors I was taught to implement during my childhood.

I suddenly reclaimed my throne of Queendom KNOWING that I am deserving and worthy of more.  I felt my awareness make a powerful shift in that moment as I suddenly felt a deeper, more loving connection to my inner child.  These readings were testing me and I passed… and the gift was opening up to a higher sense of consciousness.

The truth is that my emotions deserve a safe space to be expressed within relationships.  The truth is that people CAN reach out to us, or overcome their demons, regardless of how much pity they try to develop in a case that they aren’t able.  This is their attempts to avoid responsibility of leveling up their lives and taking control of their own actions.  This is manipulation and can be used through guilting us into taking pity on their poor souls that are just not capable.  What they don’t realize is that they are taking away their own power by doing this to grab at ours through controlling us to do what they say.  This is not love.

So, if you find yourself suddenly feeling differently toward a person whom you feel you have seen the light toward, I ask you to take a step back and consider that they may be trying to manifest you into their lives through breaking down your own healthy boundaries.  Nothing is a coincidence in life.  Ever.  It is all synchronicity guiding us to a deeper understanding of unconditional love for ourselves to arrive us at the fate and destiny we truly deserve.

I mean, come on, how many times have we moved on from people and then they suddenly reappear wanting to make amends?  Everything is energy, and when we choose to love ourselves and uplevel our lives by making higher decisions, they can feel that.  If they are not taking responsibility for their own soul growth, then they are going to want to bring us back down to their level.  Otherwise, they run the risk of losing us, losing the control they once had, and losing a sense of their egoic identity.

(P.S. Another way they may try to manipulate you back into their lives is sending you songs that cry out how much they miss you, or were in the wrong… anything to gain some pity in hopes that we will go to them.  Because they want that control in their lives back when it comes to us.  Heed this warning because it has tricked me multiple times.)

As for this person, if they decide to reach out to me that is their choice.  I know what I deserve regardless of their actions and I will no longer settle for less than that deservedness of peace, respect, and unconditional love.  I bid you all well.  Take care of yourselves.

See you soon,
BodyLoveBritt

 

My Sexual Orientation | From “Straight” to “Lesbian” to … “Bisexual”?

Sexuality is fluid. It is constantly changing and shifting as we grow and experience new things and ways of living. Our sexuality can change in many ways such as new methods of intimacy or a change in our preference of gender-attraction.

In 2016 I came out publicly for being lesbian after living a pretty straight lifestyle. I’d dated two men prior to coming out and although I had kissed a woman in the past and was “open-minded” about potentially dating one, I hadn’t given myself much of an opportunity to explore that avenue.  It didn’t resonate…until one day, it did.

After a long-term relationship breakup in 2015, I found myself spreading my wings in my sexuality journey and beginning to learn what it was I desired at that point in time. I began pursuing my interest in women which was developing more clearly now that I was single. I remember watching a YouTube video that I had stumbled across one night of a lesbian couple who reflected back to me what I was desiring… their connection woke up a part of me that hadn’t been ready to awaken until right then.  I cried myself to sleep that night as a powerful shift in my sexual orientation occurred.  I wanted to date a woman, and I was finally feeling open and self-accepting enough to give myself an opportunity to explore this urge.

What was crucial for me to be able to come into a comfort with dating women was having a supportive and very open-minded environment encouraging me to try new things without judgement. I had friends who identified along the LGBTQ+ spectrum and helped me find comfort in knowing that regardless of how I identified in the past and what genders I previously dated, I could still claim a new sexual orientation. I struggled with this, feeling as though I wasn’t allowed to label myself as “lesbian” since I had dated and seemingly enjoyed being with men in the past.  What I didn’t realize at that point in my life was that we are constantly evolving and shifting, and it can very well be that we wake up one day and feel entirely different in regards to our sexual orientation.

I opened to my truth more and began dating women solely as that is what resonated most with me.  So many new opportunities popped up for me to explore as a result of me staying true to my authenticity, including being invited as a “Celebrity VIP” to the Dinah Shore Annual Festival and walking a red carpet, and being included in Paper Magazine’s online article “Best LGBTQ+ YouTube Beauty Bloggers”.  Over those next few years that I identified as “lesbian” I had a couple of girlfriends and was able to really explore the experiences my soul needed to grow and evolve into my higher self.

 

Over the past six months I have been undergoing a deep soul transformation – where my life has been changing with rapidity and intensity.  I’ve never gone through as intense of a process as these past few months have brought.  With this fire has come a lot of shifts in what now best suits me and who I am.  I’ve been settling back into my feminine energy realizing the power I have there (I had been doing a lot of healing work within my masculine energy which I feel went hand-in-hand with my desire to date women at that time).  As I’ve been really stepping into this divine feminine power and energy center, I’ve been desiring in a romantic sense an energy who leads with their masculine to the depth I lead with my feminine, to balance my own energies with theirs and create an even larger yin/yang.

When I say we can wake up one day and feel entirely different in regards to our sexual orientation – I mean it – because this is what I experienced. It was as if one morning I woke up and realized, suddenly, I was attracted to men again. This was shocking to me as I had spent years seemingly solely attracted to women, not thinking I’d ever find attraction to men again. During those years I identified as lesbian, it felt so right, and that’s because it was at that time.  But, just like that, as I stepped back into my true balanced power, my orientation opened a new door to my truth.

I had been through the fire over the past few months and had really begun to learn that I do not need to seek anybody’s validation outside of my own to feel confident in my decision.  Due to this, I was able to accept this newfound awareness that I was attracted to men again, without needing to discuss it with friends in order to receive their confirmation that this was okay.  However, I did began questioning what this now meant for me. Did this mean I was completely straight again? Bisexual? Did I still find attraction to women? I had a lot of questions for myself, but I knew that regardless of the answers I was safe to explore my desires without pressure of trying to figure things out.

Nowadays, I’m comfortable saying I’m bisexual as sometimes labels help break things down for people that need a more black/white approach. To me, I’m just me and open to the energies that are most balanced,complementary and aligned with my own. It doesn’t matter the gender that goes with it.

 

So, here’s to coming out a second time. Hello world, I’ve discovered a deeper aspect of myself and thus have been able to personally embrace and represent a new part of the LGBTQ+ spectrum… the B.

Wherever your sexuality falls is okay! You are valid no matter who you’ve dated in the past or how you have identified in the past. We are ever evolving energy systems. That’s what growing as a human Being is. its safe to release any feelings of being trapped into staying a certain way due to fear of discomfort or being abandoned/ridiculed by friends/communities/people who want us to stay the same.

What we once desired may change, and that’s okay. We owe no explanations to anybody. It is safe for us to embrace our sexual orientations day by day, moment by moment. If identifying with labels empowers us, then by all means do that. It really empowered me to embrace being a lesbian and feel a sense of community and understanding around that when I needed that support most.

We cannot force a caterpillar to stay a caterpillar when we know it has a bigger destiny.

Happy Pride Month. May you give yourselves the permission to explore your own lives without judgement knowing you are safe and valid in your preferences, whatever they may be and however often they may shift.

Live freely as you are entitled to that.  All that matters is love.

See you soon!
BodyLoveBritt

 

Rising From The Smoky-As-Hell Ashes

Sometimes in life we need to walk through the fires of transformation to become aligned with our destiny and who we are meant to be.  Doing this can be extremely painful, as the flames burn away old patterns, behaviors, thought-processes, outside energies, places, and things that no longer serve us.  It can feel like our entirety is being ripped apart, stripped to a core that we didn’t know we had but certain that we will die from all the loss.

After we walk through that fire, our eyes burn from the smoke and we can barely recognize ourselves anymore… at least in a way that we always identified in the past.  We look in the mirror and we see somebody else, a better version of ourselves that feels more aligned but also feels like a stranger.  Who are we now that so many things we used to identify ourselves with was burned away?

It’s beautiful and scary all at once.  When you’ve only ever been a caterpillar and are suddenly emerging from isolation as a butterfly, it can be intimidating and confusing.  What are these wings?  How do I use them?  How do I cope with the pain and the fear of releasing all that was just stripped of me?  Because it’s gone, but I still am afraid to mentally and emotionally let it go…

Sometimes we are born as Swans in a sea of ducks.  We are different than our surroundings.  We feel outcasted for our physicality that stand us out from the crowd.  We may be mocked or made fun of because we are an easy target of being different.

So we leave or retreat from the world because we don’t feel understood.  Maybe we feel a lot of shame for being seemingly different, as if it’s a punishment for some unknown crime we’ve committed by existing.

We hope to find like-minded people who think, look, or act like us due to the comfort of wanting to fit in and feel a sense of belonging in this world.  We drift through people, places, and situations until one day, an aligned soul comes into our life that we admire.  We wish we looked like them and are surprised when they start interacting with us in a way nobody else has before.  They ask us why we are hiding our light and we admit our defeats and fears of not being worthy enough.  This shocks them because they see the value in us, as they see themselves through our beauty.  They guide us to look at our own reflection in the lake, and when we do, we gasp.  We realize that we, too, had been a Swan all along and had finally grown into our inner beauty of self-acceptance.  We come out of hiding in the bushes and proudly display ourselves on the lake, because we deserve to be seen.

Does this story sound familiar?  It should… it’s the tale of the Ugly Duckling which I was recently guided to reading (again and again) to my little cousin when I was spending time with him a few weeks ago.

A Butterfly, a Phoenix, a Swan… they all have wings.

Transformation can create a lot of fogginess from the after-math of the smoke.  We know that our old ways do not serve us but are still learning how to use these wings to fly.  It is an opportunity to get to re-know ourselves in a deeper way.  This may mean surrounding ourselves with new people, new places, or new hobbies.  This could also mean continuing the same relationships or hobbies but needing the space to express who we are now and release who we used to be – because growth is necessary and with that comes change.

Being on an open-ended roadtrip for six months was a giant transformative fire that burned away a lot of things that no longer served me.  I’ve been choking on smoke for months as I try to get a grasp on who I now am and where I want to go… and with that comes the challenge of building my confidence back up.  Finding my grounding in Tucson and settling down into a space here, choosing this place as where I want to be, has provided me great clarity.  The desert winds have picked up and are effortlessly moving the fog away from me.  I’m finding a deeper peace within myself that I haven’t felt in a really long time- if ever?  My mental health which has been so up-and-down, is naturally stabilizing with quickness.

With the clarity comes the ability to see what I want to create.

If you are in the fog, then congratulations.  You are transforming and you will absolutely get through this.  Find your grounding in what makes you feel stable.  Maybe that’s a peaceful living situation, a job to secure finances while your creative projects take off, or reconnecting with friends, old and new, in a deeper way.  For me, feeling stable has been overdue and necessary.  It is the basis of the root chakra, which is the first chakra in our energetic system.  Without feeling safe, secure and stable, all my other chakras have not been able to work together in harmony.  I have been out of whack, to say the least.

I feel like I’m finally home.  I extend this faith to you, my Phoenix friends.  Transform, evolve, and know that if you are choking on smoke that it is clearing out the old from your system to create space for higher, deeper, more soulful versions of love.

This has been your Glitter Bomb of Truth.  I’ll see you Sunday, if not before.